Women and the Elixir of Restriction
The Greeks will be frustrated that I am talking about women again- I am sorry gents- but I am what I am. But- think of this as a window into the minds of the women who surround you. The mothers, wives, daughters and sisters.
Though this struggle may not be yours- it is a profound struggle for the women that you love.
In fact- for the men reading- I would love to hear what your version of this is? Once you read this (and please read it), comment or message me about the specific ways culture informs your behavior.
I am elbow-deep in Elise Loehnen’s book ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR. The short description is Why Do Women Equate Self-Denial With Being Good. It goes without saying that this book is a must-read.
In the world of food- I have been preaching this forever.
The theme of food morality is the musical score of my work- pizza = bad, salad=good, I am good when I am controlled, and bad when I eat whatever I want.
The deep roots of thin desire are anchored in religion and racism and are key to understanding the thin movement which our culture is hypnotized by. We cannot stop with our preoccupation with thin, even though we know intellectually that it does not make evolutionary sense and that it is a prison we put ourselves in.
It is a way to communicate to the world around us that we are on top of it, we have it together, and we are impenetrable.
Thin is strength, fat is weak.
Control is essential to our womanhood, and we must exude this in our diet and bodies at all times.
Loehnen’s questioning of the function of morality across all of our behavior landed for me. She connects our behavior to the 7 deadly sins, and the ways in which women show restraint in order to prove that they are good and worthy.
Women’s behavior is based on the internalized ideal that the more they can endure through self-denial, the better they believe they are.
They fight and claw to be the best and look the best.
They prove that they are ever available as mothers and professionals.
Women soldier along, minimizing their needs, pretending they don’t require praise, and dismissing it when others compliment or congratulate them.
They have themselves lulled into a place where they believe they don’t need these essential things and have compartmentalized away their right to empathy, pride, appreciation, and being valued.
When I recently pointed out how unfair one of my patients is to herself and how little empathy she has for her own needs, she said, “So what am I supposed to do about it? That is our world. That is what people see and care about. That is how they judge and form opinions.”
When I asked her how she will feel when her daughters are old enough to feel the constraints of this punitive prison, her eyes filled with tears. “I never want them to feel this. I want them to feel free”.
And I know that she is right. I also live in this prison. I push and push to show up unruffled and capable in all the realms. She is right.
But change seems to be in the air.
I am keenly aware that not long ago, this dichotomy was unrealized. This idea that women continuously beat themselves up for not being on top of things was happening but not acknowledged. It was simply expected of women. There was no examination of this struggle.
Yet now, the questions have finally arrived.
Let’s ask ourselves- Do we remain compliant? Do we continue to restrict our food, egos, and intellect so we can better serve? Were we born for more?
In 2023, 55% of men in opposite-sex marriages were the primary earners in their household, BUT 45% of women made as much money or more than their male partners. Contrast this with 1970, 85% of men were the primary earners.
The financial reach of women has skyrocketed in the past 50 years, yet the division of household labor remains virtually the same from 1970 to 2023. Women, even if they are the primary earner, continue to do a much higher percentage of childcare and household chores than their male counterparts.
They work a full day, come home and ensure dinner is done, and get the house and kids in order. Repeat. Tireless, relentless, and denying themselves empathy and compassion.
The question is ripe- when are women going to feel empowered enough to advocate for their emotional rights?
Loehnen’s prophetic explanation of using self-denial as a shield and a vehicle for demonstrating competence and excellence by not allowing ourselves the things we want the most is glaringly accurate.
Shattering the financial glass ceiling is in our cultural vernacular, but what about our needs, wants, and desires? Our essential longing to feel valued and praised and not feel shame for wanting that?
Why can’t women have the bodies they were born to have and not feel the need to restrict themselves to nothingness?
We have power in numbers, and the time has come to use it. The prison is partially our own creation. We can all agree to start dismantling it, brick by brick.
